A mélange of personal poems on love & infatuation
reworked fragments from the past decade of my existence
This week and the last, I worked on editing these poems and the process of this has gifted my heart with a sense of closure. To finally share some of these words that have been encaged within my mind and my soul for many years - some of them, nearly a decade. Also, I am over the moon to see all of my new subscribers & followers - thank you so incredibly much for following and supporting my writing journey! I had no idea what to expect from substack, but what I’ve found is a deep well of inspiration from so many talented writers - this is such a mentally stimulating community to be part of and I’m really loving it here.
On the poetry: I have gone back and forth about providing context, but I think these really benefit from the glamour of enigma. My summer boy is a combination of men (who deserved no poetry about them), but at the root of it is really one. If you subscribe to the Three Loves theory: My first real love ended tragically, but I am thankful for that love that was lost and remains unresolved as it opened my poet’s heart ten years ago. My second love was the one that got away (or did I get away?), but I am saving that one for another project. My third love is my endless summer boy - despite what it may seem from my writing, I am happily married and live a pleasantly boring, peaceful life that is so utterly perfect for a writer with an overactive imagination. But I’m not so sure I subscribe to the Three Loves theory because there was one more, paramount love that I had somewhere in between all the others: myself.
golden girl
some days I wake up, goddess
others, I am engulfed by my demons,
I stir in them, linger and make love to them.
and some days, I just don't care to think at all, about anything.
but the night is for gold freckles to fleck my iris,
and my touch to feel immortal, halcyon dipped in gold,
a record player crackles spinning a lonely, lovely mood.
the hottest summer of my life.
part one - rose
the way i search for hidden meanings
like my jewelry in the morning,
each delicate chain, a lymeric of lust
or a lyric for us -
i will always be the girl in your passenger seat.
to laugh at your jokes and show music to,
each song an incognito lullaby,
of last nights and afternoon drives,
i will never forget.
but thats all i will ever be,
and thats perfectly okay with me
part two - lavender
if only i could tint the lens you see me through,
perhaps to match the one i see with you,
rosey pure and lovely baby blue, lavender hues -
do you see me through softest velvet yellow love-ray
or smokey, rotting haze of grey?
where is the needle -
let me inject myself with your favorite flavors
and in the secret i will treasure
the high of being everything you favor
the coldest night in july.
part three - blue
i write for the ones with madness,
fragments, remnants of winters past in
cold salt air and cigarette breathes,
lovely lyrics and the air is buzzing,
longing for a soul as deep as mine to caress.
perhaps i wanted to crack your shell,
smoke rings in the blue of night
or the ghost of you?
I’m just as crazy as you, he said to me.
good morning, I love you he said to me.
and what is the winter of my life, but
the echoes on a blurred breeze, whispers of
do you ever think of me?
and the hottest summer of my life,
washed out with the tides
a lavender ruse, with violent blue
through rose-colored hues
and the gust ripostes, it screams -
you were not the one
for me
the rebirthing
you're like the waves in my life
beating on like a beautiful drum,
washing in desperate treasures,
that I've searched for, years and years.
but all I had found were empty bottles,
weathered seaglass, throttled by...
but you're like the ocean
full of so much that scares me
but long to be part of, i think. . .
when i’m wishing so much to be engulfed in
vast and blue worlds,
worlds that reflect in my own eyes
and the earthly one that I walk in yours. . .
i’m reborn in your heart,
and your heart is mine.
so grab me by my two hands
and lead me in to the ocean.
honeymoon
my dauntless heartbreak, my endless summer
you picked me up, like a handful of buttery hot sand,
and I slipped out, sinking, ungraspable by hands,
burning like a brand, the glassy water -
an ocean in my mind, a sunset in your eyes
cooling me green, sweet summer green,
as elusive as the green flash that blinds us
at the end of that reversed sunrise.
Everywhere we go, I see colors,
and make love to the possibilities of us -
all of the endless contingencies, it makes me want to cry.
What a beautiful world we must live in,
and an even more beautiful universe, such
that we cannot even perceive
all of the potential colors of her.
The story of our love is tinted with
those innumerable, unnameable colors,
only seen through the clarity of purity.
And I don’t know how much I love you,
for I cannot measure my own heart,
and the homes my ghosts have made there,
but by my inability to write
anything loathsome or sad
when I think of you, somehow,
I can estimate from that alone -
there is no rose-colored lens to smash,
no mystery hue hidden beyond the lash,
like a Murano mirror from my past,
i’ll gaze into, but only see you - I gasp,
just past my shoulders, beyond
it’s your face, your warm honey
embrace over me, I’m grasping back
and slipping into havens
that are woven for the grace
of my falling into,
time warps again…
these are so stunning!!! i’m so happy you were able to finish them and share them :)